Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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