I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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