He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
