Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
