He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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