he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
