but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
