Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Come see our sink grown plant.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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