the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
