she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
