I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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