allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
