And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
