I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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