please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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