If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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