Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
