woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
