Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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