I look better un-naked...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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