i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And then he peed in my hair
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