Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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