I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't deserve a penis
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
