Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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