I faked an abortion last night.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
