I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
