I wish I could teleport
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
