it was like having sex with a tree stump
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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