why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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