i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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