I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
