is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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