Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
its liver damage thursday
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