at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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