do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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