A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
