last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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