I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am naked and annoyed.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
