I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize