mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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