i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Randomize
