a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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