I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
as a side note pls kill me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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