i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
