If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
