I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
