you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
