How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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