No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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