hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
