I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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