I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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