Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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