you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
