Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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