i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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