I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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