I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
