Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
