you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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