We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
